We were such perfect fakers weren't we, putting up a facade in front of the rest. We sang the birthday song, we laughed til my jaws ached, joked horribly with my friends, we ate like ravaging pigs.
And none of them would then have the faintest idea of what had happened before, and what happened after that. I mean, why would they? We're perfectly fine aren't we?



No one was there to witness you shouting and shoving me to the side.
No one would ever hear your verbal abuse first hand. And that's just half of the mean things you utter.
And even if they did it'll probably be 'just another one of their petty arguements' and 'she'll get over it'.
I've always heard about how things deteriorate in stages, I never thought it'd happen to me this way, but I guess I'm meant to learn it the hard.
First the verbal abuse, now comes the phsyical? First the shoving in public, just because I showed up half an hour late. What's next? Oh how could it slip my mind, you've been threatening to hit me in the face, haven't you. You've been childishly saying that it doesn't matter even if the consequences let you end up inside. Well we'll see about that.


And I can't believe you had expected me to talk to you as per normal after you've just shoved me in public. What are you, retarded? I was fine until you did what you did.



And to think that I've been hoping that maybe this 23rd could be something better than the past 5 ones. To think that the shirt I had planned to give you will arrive in time for our 42nd. That maybe you'd take the time to put in some effort. That you would actually bother to reflect on all the emotional, physical and verbal abuse you've put me through. That maybe you'd even wish me.
Now don't go saying that I don't appreciate all the happy times or whatever nice things you did. In fact, that's the very reason I'm still here. I believe you can do without violence. It's not that being nice was something you've never done, it's not that being a nice person was someone you never once were. If you never were one, I would've never dreamt of even faling. In fact, you really are a sweetheart at times. I simply do not see why you opt to push me away, kick me harder and hurl all you can at me when I TRY and have been trying to be fucking strong.


And these are the times when I pray and ask for a sign, cos I swear, I've no idea whether He's hinting that I should go, or that this is simply a test of my patience and determination. (though i'm placing my bets on the former, not the latter)
Oh man. That was such a long entry of nothingness.

Labels: self-hypocrisy

X O X O; 10:11 am